Episode 2-02: A Powerless Moment at Monkey Joes

At the bottom of my depression, hopeless thoughts triggered uncontrollable crying. My depression/anxiety medication was not working. I was crying about 40 to 50 percent of my waking hours. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment to get some medical help for myself.

Before the appointment, I was pretty successful in hiding the tears from my kids – when they see me upset, they have shorter fuses and have more “microburst” tantrums. They knew I had been really sad for a week.

July 20 – the day of the appointment

9:00	Oh no! We all woke up late. I called the daycare center to say we’d be there by 10AM. They replied that they would be going to Monkey Joes that day. I said we would meet them there.
10:00	Arrived at Monkey Joes.
10:15	Daycare still not there. I got a little nervous, but was confident that they would be there soon. My doc appointment is at 11:15.
10:25	My anxiety was building. I started to cry.
10:30	I called the cell phone number of one of the daycare workers. Me: Where are you? Them: We’re here at Monkey Joes. Where are you? Me: At Monkey Joes. Oh no! (my heart sank). Are you at the one in Newnan? (Newnan is 26 miles/35 minutes away). Them: Yes – didn’t I tell you we’d be at Newnan? Me: No, we’re at the one in Fayetteville. I’m not going to bring them out to Newnan – I’ll figure out something else to do with them. We’ll see you tomorrow.
10:33	I was panicked. I was not going to make my doctor’s appointment. My daughter picked up on my anxiety and started circling me, prodding me, and demanding my attention. I put her off and called the doctor’s office. The scheduler was sympathetic to my situation and asked if I wanted to reschedule.
10:36	MICROBURST. My daughter: MOMMY! YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! She punched me and started to scream. Me: (To the scheduler) I’m sorry. (Get punched, screaming in background). I can’t do this. (Get punched) (Me sobbing) Please don’t charge me a cancellation fee – I have to go. (To my daughter) STOP YELLING AT ME! I JUST NEED A MOMENT! (Click).
10:37	The only thing heard was the sound of inflatable air blowers. All the adults and some of the kids were staring at me and my daughter who were both sobbing. At this point, I had no idea where my other child with autism was. I felt powerless to control the situation. I needed backup, and fast.
10:38	Through tears and sobbing I called for backup – my primary babysitter, Jennifer. What a Godsend. She was able to get to me and the twins within an hour (even though she was out of town as well). She watched them while I sat on a bench outside in the heat and cried and cried.

I don’t have a lot of available family in town, and much of my support team is out during summer months on vacation and taking care of their own kids. Had I not gotten in touch with Jennifer I most likely would have called 911 and taken my chances with “DeFaCS”. What a horrible situation to be in.

You may be in the same situation, in the same weepy darkness. You are not alone. Even though the event is almost month old, I still think about the fact that I still don’t have a plan for situations like this. It is tough to admit being powerless about what others may consider an easy situation.

What do you do when you feel powerless? Do you have a plan? Not the big, expensive kind like a Last Will and Testament, but just a little plan for when you “need a moment?”

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (New International Version, the Bible)

 ⁷To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in (your) weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.