Episode 2-01: Starting At a Dark Place – The Bottom of Depression

My dark place, when I am at the bottom of my cyclical depression, feels like being trapped in an outhouse in 100 degree weather. It’s dark, dank, and stinky. I cry all the time, despite my medication. I throw bridezilla style pity parties in my head by questioning everything – faith, past, future, disability. And I tend to make poor choices (chocolate cake for breakfast).

Sometimes my dark place triggers my need for death – kill myself or kill my husband. I go through the litany I’ve created to counteract the thoughts – Killing yourself is insanely selfish and your kids will wind up in bad foster care. The cops will figure out if you’ve killed your husband and your kids will wind up in bad foster care. I don’t ever consider killing my kids, though I have considered forgetting to pick them up from respite care at Hope House.

 My daily list to get me through the dark place.

1. Take care of me

Meds, therapy, sleep, pray, write, and a healthy dose of no. No new projects, no helping others, no big spending, no critical decisions. Occasionally I remember to include good nutrition, exercise, read my bible, and actively practice forgiveness. When momma’s not happy, ain’t nobody happy.

1. Take care of my kids

If I can’t remember the last time I fed or bathed the kids, it’s time to let someone else help me do it. Spend a ton of money we don’t have on childcare. Accept that setbacks will occur in their autism due to my depression.

1. Take care of my job

Focus on the minimum. I’m a stay at home mom foremost, so I hire childcare to help me with the kids. Chores get shrunken – make there’s enough underwear, dishes, and reduced allergens for everyone to survive the day. My other job is to help families in my community. Limit my help to others and refer people back to Parent to Parent.

1. Communicate my needs to my core relationships.

Been married for 17 years, but my husband still can’t read my feelings or my mind. Resentment builds up and I blow up, classic passive-aggressive style. More therapy and more practice saying my needs help me heal faster.

It takes a while (at least a month) to get out of the outhouse into the sweet smelling fields outside the outhouse. When I do, it still takes a while to cool down and get the stench of depression off me. Forgiveness plays a big part of my healing process. I’m learning about forgiveness through Celebrate Recovery – a faith based training/support group meeting that helps people seek freedom from their hurts, hang-ups, and habits. Though it’s meant for people and their families who have addiction issues, I’ve found it extremely helpful in helping me deal with my personal anger, resentment, depression, and codependency.

For more information about Celebrate Recovery, here’s a book and a Wikipedia link. Meetings are held across different churches across Georgia. Check your local newspaper or search online to find one near your community. If you’re suffering through depression, don’t give up hope. Get help. Call P2P and find another parent who has been there. Step out of the outhouse and into the sweet fields outside.